Let me start with a sweeping statement: an evening that begins with noisy lovers will end well.
That is, when Noisy Lovers is a cocktail concoction of vodka, cointreau, raspberry and lime, sipped in good company at Blakes Hotel, South Kensington. You’ll leave satiated and giggly, nipping round the corner to catch your bus to bed.
The cocktail list has us oohing and aahing, but it is the food that is the real firework display at this calm basement restaurant. Dark and oriental in decor and feel, stepping downstairs in W8 lifts the weight of the world. It is cool out of the solstice sunshine and delicately scented, instantly draining the stresses of another day in the smoke.
Having procrastinated at our desks over the menu, we’ve made the kind of pre-decision food decisions that would let us order without even glancing at the menu. We’ve discussed the merits of salmon sashimi vs. carpaccio of beef vs. diver scallops, but we look at the card, all the same – to avoid giving the waitress the creeps, if nothing less.
We rattle off orders – the diver scallops with ginger and basil made the cut, along with a warm chicken salad with avocado, pomelo, cashews and nam jim sauce – until we’re surprised to see a raised eyebrow and look of pure doubt on the face of our waitress. It’s the Soufflé Suissesse. ‘It’s pretty big,’ she warns, and it seems there is some discrepancy between eyes and stomachs. We agree to share, and the panic disperses as quickly as it had arrived.
When the soufflé comes into land we take a moment to scrape our jaws from the floor, such is the monstrosity of the thing. If you’re in need of a talking point – or a conversation stopper for that matter – this is all you require. Made with seven eggs, the soufflé is the size of a sandcastle, transformed into an awakening volcano with the oozing of gruyère sauce, its cheesy lava. With an extra dose of sauce in the centre, the volcano erupts and the party really starts.
The soufflé is light and fluffy, yet possibly the most richly cheesy dish I’ve ever come across. Quite frankly, it is extraordinary. The chicken salad is the perfect accompaniment for a little light relief, and the pomelo like it’s fresh from a market stall in Vietnam, while the scallops are delightfully tender and delicately flavoured, dwarfed by the soufflé yet packed with flavour.
So the soufflé has set the precedent, and the man calling the shots in the kitchen has got it sorted. We move on to black cod with miso and ginger sauce, beef fillet teriyaki with hot sake and crispy ginger chicken, with garlic and ginger sauce, with forks flying between plates to snatch a taste of each. The beef is plain delicious, the cod soft and fresh and the chicken the right side of spicy, with the combination descending into a tour of Asian cuisine. Accompanied by baby broad beans and coriander rice – a triumph in itself – the clash of cutlery on empty plates soon fills the air.
Having made it this far, and having heard recommendations from previous diners, dessert is all but irresistible, especially given the caramel soufflé heading up the list. We all know what is coming next: another sand castle, another volcano, and even more fireworks. Though we think we know what to expect, the caramel edition enters a whole new realm. A caramelised crust, chewy with slightly burned sugar and inside the sweetest treat you can imagine and jug full of butterscotch sauce, just in case it isn’t caramel-y enough.
The chocolate fondant with pistachio ice cream and green tea ice cream we’ve also ordered are scrumptious in their own right, though they fall by the wayside for a few minutes as that tense situation where four people attempt at politely getting their fair share of one pudding takes over.
While we’re smiling sweetly and taking ladylike spoonfuls, really each of us is plotting on legging it with the lot and locking ourselves in a cupboard until there is none left.
Well that’s what I was thinking anyway.
Blakes Hotel, 33 Roland Gardens, SW7 3PF
